Sunday, September 13, 2009

Course Correction

I haven't been motivated to blog this summer. Too discouraged by what I don't accomplish, don't finish, don't check off my list. And then, I've also been struggling with meeting the needs of all four of my children. I love being a mom, and longed for motherhood for most of my life, but it sure is hard!

Mommy-ing really takes it out of me. Maybe because I'm an introvert who needs quiet to think straight and alone time to function on normal level. I jumped into foster care as a starry-eyed single girl who wanted to make a difference, and then--boom--five years later I have four children--wonderful, beautiful, precious children--who all have a multitude of needs that I have to meet. The depend on ME. Yikes, kind of scary.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is this. I've spent five years trying really hard to be a good mommy. I've failed so many times. But this is a learning experience. Hopefully, I'm learning from my mistakes. What I've realized recently is that during all this struggling, I've been slowly veering off course.

Off course of what? Of my walk with God. I didn't jump off all of a sudden. It's been a slow meandering away from His best caused by little choices and mixed up priorities. I forgot that He doesn't expect me to figure it all out alone, to face each day of diapers, messes, tantrums, tears, piles of dishes, and four little lives on my own. Or, maybe I didn't actually forget this, I just stopped asking Him for help. Somehow I am finding myself frantically peering around, looking for that path I used to be on. The path where I was in daily communion with God. Where I spent time in His Word, building my self up to face any life could throw at me.

So, now I'm in the process of trying to get back on course. I'm realizing that I can't be a good wife and mother if I'm always running on empty. I'll try to post an update now and then as I work to get back where I should be--spiritually and physically; work on taking care of myself as well as my family.


April said...

Hang in there, Jen. It IS tough. God may not call the equipped, but he does equip the called. May your journey be full of blessing...

Prayers sent your way...

Jessica said...

Here's some warm thoughts for you--I know the overwhelming days very well...I hope they pass and bring some calm!!

Andrea, the collector said...

Oh, when the starry-eyed girl meets reality! It's hard, huh? It IS hard. Four kids are demanding. Of course! I hope that your "course correction" time gives you more grace, more spiritual support to guide you.

As I am re-examining what matters most, I am REALLY appreciating my spiritual study time. I find as I set aside time for that, the real questions and problems come to the surface (sometimes in frustrating ugliness), but I also get bits of guidance or vision or strength.

Hope you are blessed with what you need! I look forward to reading about your journey, the struggles and discoveries. Your honest voice is beautiful.

gardenmama said...

many blessings to you mama!
thank you for sharing your heart in this space.

Beth said...

Sorry I'm so late commenting... What a September it has been for me. Just need to say you're on the right track and we all have been there. I bet Grandma Jo could tell you some stories about raising 4 little ones. Have you heard the Grayhound bus story? Anyway, of course I can't pass up this opportunity to remind you to ask Jeff for help- more like tell him exactly what you need.
Love you always,

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